


Better I Should Know

by mcgarrygirl78



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Drama, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-25
Updated: 2016-04-25
Packaged: 2018-06-04 10:30:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6654424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She was in her own private hell and apparently her husband was not invited.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Better I Should Know

"I don't have anyone else to apologize to." CJ said.

Toby looked at her but she would not meet his gaze.

"You haven't told Leo about…"

"What the hell am I supposed to say Toby? Once when I was jealous, stupid, and drunk, I let a charismatic Senator drag me into an elevator and back to his hotel room. That he kissed away my attempts to leave, and that I cried and threw up afterward. That he had neither the time nor the inclination to even take off his pants. How as long as I live I will never get the image of him stuffing his dick back in his pants out of my memory? Shall I tell Leo that Toby?"

She finally looked at him. Her eyes were dry but Toby saw the despair there…she relived the experience at least ten times today.

"Well um, I will be in my office. You can come over and work on the thing."

"All I want to do is go home and hold my children. I will stop in before I go but you are not allowed to get me all wrapped up in it. Go home to Nora Toby…you work too hard."

"I will soon. I promise not to get you wrapped up in it."

Toby looked as if he wanted to say much more. Instead he sighed and walked out of her office.

***

_Heaven bend and take my hand_  
Lead me through the fire  
Be the long awaited answer  
To the long and painful fight  
Truth be told I tried my best  
But somewhere along the way  
I got caught up in all there was to offer  
And the cost was so much more than I could bear.

CJ sobbed in her office. Curled up on her couch, knees to her chest, forehead on her knees. It was a painful sob; her entire body was wounded. Sarah McLachlan's Fallen played on repeat and if CJ had the strength she would stand, scream, and tear the room to shreds. It didn't even seem to hurt this much almost a decade ago.

_Though I've tried I've fallen_  
I have sunk so low  
I messed up  
Better I should know  
So don't come round here and  
Tell me I told you so 

"Claudia Jean?"

"Oh God." She muttered as she sobbed. "I'm so sorry."

"CJ, good lord, what's the matter?"

She did not seem to hear him. She was in her own private hell and apparently her husband was not invited. Leo stepped further into the room, closing the door as he found it. He sat beside her on the couch, gingerly touching her hair. She was not moving at all except for the constant trembling. It seemed as if she was cold but the room was stuffy. Leo swallowed hard…he could not remember the last time he saw her so unglued.

"Whatever it is baby I am staying until you are ready to talk."

His first thought was that something happened to her father.

"I'm sorry; I'm sorry." She whispered.

"OK baby, it's going to be OK."

_But we carry on our backs the burdens time always reveals_  
In the lonely light of morning  
In the wound that would not heal  
It's the bitter taste of losing everything  
I've held so dear. 

Leo listened to the song three times before CJ even looked at him. He rubbed her hair still, but other than that he did not make a move.

"CJ?" there were thousands of questions and concerns in his hazel eyes.

There was also love there. So much love that it nearly made CJ ill. Life since the reelection had been difficult on the McGarry marriage, to say the least, and now he had to contend with this. CJ didn't know if she could do this to him…not right now.

"Almost a decade ago I went to a DNC party with Toby and Andi. Their marriage was circling the drain…it always seemed to be. We had a lot to drink and Toby had the look on his face. The same face he had in LaGuardia so many years before. I still loved him, and he still loved me, but he was married. Then John Hoynes walked into the room. He was tall, handsome, and sober. He immediately struck me and though I knew that he was married I thought I could use the next two hours or so to get away from Toby and that damned face. And Andi's face…the smile on her lips but the hatred in her eyes.

"He called me Claudia, talked to me about Southern politics and Hollywood bullshit, and seemed to want to listen to what I had to say. He took me out on the balcony and kissed me. I knew it was wrong, and Toby saw us. I tried to get away as it progressed to something more, but he kept kissing me. He told I was beautiful; said I didn't have to be the second string quarterback for the losing team. How did he know? How did he know how I felt on the inside that night? Now I know it is part of his predatory repertoire. I let him lead me out of the party and onto the elevator."

"Oh God." Leo whispered.

"I really didn't want to, though I did so I certainly won't play victim for your benefit. There is enough blame to pass around. It was the stupidest thing I have ever done in my life. The worse part is I couldn't hide it…Toby saw the whole thing. He knew that I was weak, desperate, and pathetic. Andi was able to wear the smug smile of Katherine of Aragon when Anne Boleyn the whore dragged herself off the elevator with a wrinkled dress, reeking of expensive liquor, expensive cologne, and cheap sex."

"John Hoynes."

It was neither a question or a statement. It was just a name…the only name CJ McGarry let haunt her.

"I had to go and see him tonight. I was not going to let him drag down you and the President because he could not keep it in his pants. He could never keep it in his pants. I wanted to know how many of his conquests would make his book…would I make his book."

"John is a married man. I doubt he would write about sticky fumblings in his effort to hit the comeback trail." Leo said.

" _Full Disclosure_ , that's what he is calling his book. He is going to make a good bid for the White House. He is still the golden boy of the party, even after the resignation. It is all going to come out Leo…some hairdresser in Crawford. Or maybe a dress shop employee in Aberdeen. Maybe even a society woman in Dallas. It will come out. If he ever tries to deny it, or cast these women in some malicious light, I am taking him down. I told him that tonight and I meant it. I may lose everything, but I cannot let anyone carry the shame that I've carried around for almost a decade."

They were quiet for a long time. The song still played softly and Leo finally began to understand the words. How much strength and courage did it take to tell him what she'd just confessed? Taking a deep breath, Leo pulled the cigarette he'd stolen from the President out of his pocket and lit it. It was going to be for the end of his long day, but it looked as if it would signal the beginning of a long night.

CJ took the cigarette from her husband and inhaled deeply. She handed it back.

"Leo…"

"I have woken up in strange hotel rooms. Sometimes in a puddle of my own sweat and/or vomit. Once it was a puddle of my own blood…I still don't know what happened. There are lots of things that I am not proud of CJ."

"Did you ever cheat on Jenny?" she asked.

She had never asked him that before. It certainly was none of her business and Leo had never disclosed any infidelities in his past. He had told her so much, she assumed if she did not know then it probably did not happen. This was his personal life of course; White House business was still not on their confession table.

"Yeah, once or twice. It wasn't about sex, or something she lacked. It was fueled by alcohol and pills. She forgave me after I came out of rehab. She knew it wasn't me that did those things…not the real me."

CJ nodded. Leo tentatively put his arm around her; she allowed herself to be comforted.

"It was a long time ago baby…a different life. We all have mistakes that live with us; haunt us. They keep us on the right path. Don't let one bad night destroy everything you worked for. If I would have done that I would not be sitting here now as White House Chief of Staff, married to the most amazing woman."

"I am not amazing." CJ replied.

"You are." Leo turned her face so she was looking at him. "Look at me, Claudia Jean, you are. You are White House Press Secretary. You are a wife and mother. Your friends love you and know that you are always there to lean on, and you care for your ailing father with patience and love. There are so many reasons you should have crumbled by now, but you haven't. You are amazing."

"I think you think too much of me." She whispered.

"Bullshit. Stop it please. C'mon, look at me. Lets just go home and forget the whole damn day. I will give you a back massage."

CJ put on a tired smile.

"You are not very good at it honey, though I applaud the effort. I just want to crawl into bed. Will you hold me?"

"Of course. I love you CJ."

Leo crushed the cigarette and stood from the couch. He held out his hands; CJ grabbed them. When he pulled her into his arms she clung to him. There were tears again, but they were not of regret and sorrow. Tonight she was shedding the last remnants of her night with a man who would be Vice-President and someday maybe President of the United States.

"Its OK baby." He kissed her neck and pulled away to wipe her tears. "This is over; today is over."

He helped her into her coat. CJ smiled as Leo threw her briefcase and purse over his shoulder.

"That is a good look for you McGarry." She said.

"I don't know if the Burberry coordinates with my suit and shoes." He replied.

She laughed, and Leo knew her well enough to know it was genuine. He squeezed her hand before CJ kissed his. They walked out to their waiting car…it was after midnight and the West Wing was deserted. Lewis held the door for them and once inside, Leo wrapped CJ in his embrace.

"Were you worried about how I was going to react to your confession?" he asked.

"Of course I was. Leo, I had a one-night stand with a former Vice-President. It was something I could have done without ever mentioning to you."

"You know that I love you though, right? And that I would never judge you on things that happened in the past."

CJ nodded, though she really had no idea. She wanted to believe that but then you tell someone something and they look at you as if they never knew you at all. When they got home Leo went straight for the bedroom after kissing the kids goodnight. CJ stayed for a while, looking down at their quiet, sleeping faces. They were sharing a room for now; Tim was two and Charlie just a year old. They had no idea of any of their parents' sins; they were just mommy and daddy. This was her future and all of that mess today was her past, CJ had to get that right in her head.

Going back to the bedroom she heard Leo in the shower, washing off his long day. She didn't even bother, just stripped naked, threw back the sheets, and climbed in. CJ turned off the lamp; Leo could use the light from the bathroom to see his way to the bed. She didn't know if he was going to bother with pajamas tonight or not. She was so weary she didn't know if she would even be awake when he came out in a few minutes.

Leo slipped his arms around her when he got into bed, pulling her close to him in a spoon position. CJ sighed in her state of in-between…the sleeping world and the waking world. Leo brushed her hair aside softly kiss her neck.

"Too tired." She mumbled. "Too worn down."

"Shh, go to sleep baby. I'm just going to hold you."

"Don't let go Leo." CJ put her hand on top of his as it rested on her stomach, slipping her fingers in his. "I love you."

"I love you too. Just rest and have sweet dreams."

***


End file.
